Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa noo kong malapad at naisip kong pamagat ang “Revelation” sa post ko ngayon.
Hmmm. Baka masyado lang akong nadala sa makabagbagdamdaming revelation sa naruto. hehehe.
According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, Revelation is an enlightening or astonishing disclosure.
Enlightening. Nawa’y masilaw kayo.
I’m a child of an alcoholic.
oha, oha,aus ba ang entrada.
It took me, (let me count), about 18 years of courage to admit that I am one.
ganun kasi talaga. You know how things work. DABDA.
D stands for Denial.
A stands for Anger.
B stands for Bargaining.
D stands for Depression
A stands for Acceptance.
I got stuck on the denial stage plus depression most of my life. It was so dark. It felt odd. It felt unusually cold.
Reminiscing isn’t sweet, neither it is bitter.
This evening, I found myself looking for my scrapbook entitled “Pieces of Me”.
There, I wrote something about my horrendous childhood. A mere exaggeration, you would say. But try wearing my shoes at those times and see for yourself.
As far as I can remember, Hitler has always been drinking. Ask me how he got this way and I’ll tell you. He’s from a broken family. With no Dad to look upon unto, he ended up broken. His drinking habits has become his way of coping up with things.
I can still remember the look on my mom’s face whenever she is worrying over my father’s whereabouts even though I know she knows that he’s out there drinking. I hate the thought of him shamelessly walking in our neighborhood, cursing, his mouth reeking with alcohol. I detest the fact that my friends and playmates back then knew that he’s my father.
Whenever, we heard a clunk on our gate, my siblings and I would readily freeze in sheer terror knowing that our father is home. We would rush into our bedrooms and creep under covers so we won’t have to bear his disgusting presence. His way of child-rearing is one of a kind. Instilling fears and making us feel worthless in his presence made us gullible. It made him feel strong on the other hand.
My eldest sister and elder brother told me I’m lucky. Lucky that I did not experienced being battered blue and black. I’m lucky that I haven’t seen him at his worst. A hell-sent devil for sure. You see, my elder brother got injured on his right thigh and left leg when he was in grade 3. And this was my great father’s doing. He hit my brother with a 2×2 wood on his thigh and legs. Do you want to know the reason? My brother lost the 50 pesos my father gave him to buy an alcoholic drink. My brother was brought to orthopedic center and was operated and was given a titanium implants. Until now, the titanium implants remains hidden beneath my brother’s thigh and legs, a permanent gift from our beloved father.
Another scenario. I remember seeing Hitler hit my sister immediately after she let an egg slip off her hands while preparing our breakfast. I saw the somewhat violet and blue mark on my sister’s arm. Hitler’s work of art.
One time, way back when I was an elementary student, I remember seeing my mom crying, bruised all over. I asked her what the problem is, she just shrug her shoulders and told me it’s nothing. Yeah, right.
I sometimes think how kismet works. Whereas my father’s a ruthless monster ( I know, I know, I’m exaggerating things, but hey, its the only way I could get even), my mom’s a saint-like persona in our life, which makes things bearable for us, her kids. Yin and Yang. That’s how I see my mom and dad. A package. A reality that truly bites.
It’s heartbreaking to recall those memories but those things made me what I am today. Strong and capable. I may look a lot like crybaby but I dare you. There is more that meets the eye.
I’m not bitter at this moment but to tell you frankly, I was once a bitter soul. I can see things clearly now but there are times that my lens are clouded.
I’ve got lots of stories to tell. But at the moment, I’d rather left it buried somewhere and hope that it will soon be forgotten.
tata for now.