New beginnings


One week has already passed since 2018. It’s been a very hectic and busy week for me. For one, I haven’t finished my Upwork freelance job which is supposedly good for a week only. Next is, I submitted lots of online applications and have scheduled interviews here and there (I even have an upcoming interview next Wednesday, good luck to me) also, interviews comes with tryouts so I have a long list of stuff to be done.  Unfortunately, I haven’t landed any permanent online job yet aside from my online tutorial. I’m still doing my ESL online tutorial and fortunately, almost all of my opened slots are booked.

Oh, I also submitted my resignation on my previous job which my TL didn’t take lightly because she guaranteed to the big bosses that I’d come back when I asked for a maternity leave extension so another bad record for me. I actually like my previous job minus the commuting part which takes ages, but, unfortunately, no one will be able to look after my 4-month-old baby because he has the tendency to cry non-stop at night and no one can soothe him except me (they tried but failed) so I have no option but to quit my job) My TL offered another ML extension because I reasoned for medical issues but I’m still undecided because I’m not sure what will be our plan for the future. I also don’t want to make promises I can’t keep and also wouldn’t want to put the company in jeopardy. I actually feel very guilty because my team’s performance would also be affected because I’m leaving, also, I had a good record before I went on leave but my kids come first.

decide

Anyhow, I’ll be texting my TL about my decision and I’m sure I’ll be scolded again because I am informing late again but que sera sera. I’m not a very good decision maker but they say bad decisions make good stories, don’t they?

I just have to trust that there is something good in every goodbye…

trust the magic of new beginnings

damn, it feels good


After working abroad for years side by side with someone who doesn’t have an ounce of appreciation his body, I have forgotten how it feels being recognized for a job well done. 

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thanks to my TL for making me remember 😊

paru-paro


pagkatapos kong pagalingin ang ego kong sugatan sa recent rejection sa isang job application, sumabak na naman ako sa oplan hanap trabaho.

sa totoo lang hindi ko na din sigurado kung anong trabaho ung gusto kong patusin, sabi nga nung isa kong kaibigan ko magulo daw ako, sabi ko naman edi kayo na may direksyon sa buhay. hahaha. gusto kong subukan magtrabaho sa ospital pero yung huling tumawag sakin eh parang joke time ung salary offer, kahit ata sarili ko hindi ko mabubuhay sa ganung sweldo. Yung isang sikat naman na ospital, aba inimbitahan ako sa exam at interview eh anak ng tokwa, pagkatapos mo pala ipasa yung mga yun magbabayad ka muna ng 10 libo para sa training at depende sa performance mo kung iaabsorb ka nila. Edi wow. so saan ba pupunta ang isang katulong ng doktor na ex-ofw para maghanap ng trabahong pwedeng makabuhay ng pamilya kahit papaano , edi ang in na in na trabaho sa Pinas, call center. Bow.

Galing na kong callcenter bago pa ko nangibang bayan, pero nung panahon na un hindi pa naman ganun kagrabe ung Application process. Ngayon halimaw, natatandaan ko nun, petiks mode naman ung application at recruitment process namin nun. Hassle free at walang stress. Eh yung pinakarecent na inaplayan ko eh one day application daw eh nak ng pusa ung lalamunan ko sumakit ng husto. May initial interview tapos computer exam tapos phone interview (hati pa sa dalawa yan) tapos Versant (yung computer generated ek ek na nagggauge sa Communication skills mo daw) tapos typing test, tapos phone interview ulit tapos final interview (na parang lahat ng tanong sa isang interview naitanong na niya at lahat ng pwedeng scenario sa trabaho na naexperience mo ay gusto niyang ipakwento. Anyways siguro may swerte, naipasa ko naman lahat. Pero nakakahaggard na tunay.

Nung lumabas ako ng Company building para maglunch,may paru-paro na dumapo sa daliri at kahit anung gawin ko ayaw umalis. Ayun naisipan kong piktyuran.

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sabi nila, ang mga paru-paro ay mga mahal mo sa buhay na pumanaw at muling dumadalaw. parang ang creepy pero nakakatuwa din isipin.

naisip ko, parang ako yung paru-paro, palipad-lipad, palipat-lipat. mula Pinas nagpunta ng disyerto tapos balik sa lupang sinilangan. naisip ko bigla, sana dumating yung panahon na may iisang bulaklak lang akong tutuntungan.

namimiss kita


dear fresh-grad me,

It’s been a while. Hindi na siguro tayo magkikita. Baka sa panaginip na lang. Nakakamiss ka naman. Nakakamiss yung positive outlook mo sa kinabukasan. Yung kainosentehan mo sa real world after graduation. Yung curiosity mo sa mga bagay na hindi mo pa napagdaanan at naranasan. Gaano na ba katagal?walong taon na ba?magsisiyam?halos isang dekada na pala. Kung magkikita kaya tayo ngayon anong sasabihin mo sakin?matutuwa ka kaya?

alam mo nakapag-abroad tayo. may nadagdag sa kakaonting kaibigan na meron tayo. tapos nagkapamilya din tayo sa edad na 27 gaya ng plano mo nun. kung tatanungin mo ako kung natagpuan ko na ang forever, hindi ako sigurado. pero gusto kong malaman mo na matapos ang ilang taon naming magkasintahan at isang taon mahigit na mag-asawa, yung paru-paro sa sikmura, andun pa din. gusto ko yung idea ng forever pero masyadong too good to be true yun. wala namang nabubuhay forever. kapag umabot kami sa puntong puti na ang buhok at nagmamahalan pa din, susulatan kita ulit at sasabihin kong eto na nga ata yun. 

oo nga pala, nagka-anak ka sa edad na 28. ang cute cute ng anak mo. ayan hindi ka tatandang-dalaga gaya ng hula mo. hindi mo na kailangang magimagine kung magiging kamukha mo ang anak mo if ever kasi nakikita mo siya araw-araw na unti-unting lumalaki.

ay oo nga pala hindi ka pa din milyonaryo. wala ka pang bahay at lupa, walang investment at walang savings (paubos na eh). Oo. Magttrenta ka na pero struggling ka pa din.  Sorry ha. Hindi tayo sinuwerte sa trabaho eh at sorry kasi hindi ako ganun kawais sa pera. Nakalimutan ko na isa sa listahan mo nun ay ang magkaroon ng sariling bahay at lupa bago magasawa. Pero wag kang mag-alala, nakalibot naman tayo sa Pinas kahit paano. Hindi lang kasi talaga kinaya ng sweldo ko na makabili ng bahay at lupa kasabay ng paglalagalag natin nun eh. Pero hayaan mo naghahanap ako ng trabaho. Tiwala lang. Makakabili rin kami nun. Sa ngayon bahay at lupa sa larawan muna ha.

at oo nga pala ulit, burdado ka na, isa ka na sa mga posibleng mahatulang adik dahil lang may tattoo ka. pero wala kang pakialam kaya keri lang. Gusto mo pa ngang dagdagan eh.

oo nga pala,sa kasalukuyan isa tayong dakilang tambay. Wala kong ginagawa kundi asikasuhin ang anak natin. Hindi ko alam kung epekto ng panganganak to or yung punyemas na hormones pero nadedepress ako. Lalo na kapag dumadating yung gabi , ung pipikit na lang at matutulog biglang gising ung diwa mo. Those negative thoughts are like molds slowly eating my brain piece by piece. Alam mo kasi kahit yung mga motivational quotes na nababasa ko these past few days hindi naauplift yung espirito ko. ano bang life crisis ang tawag dito? 

anyways, bago ka magmukmok at madepress nang slight, hindi ka naman minalas sa buhay mo. Madaming taong nagmamahal ang nakapaligid sayo, madaming opportunities ang inilatag sayo, madaming exciting adventures ding sinagupa ka at eto buhay pa tayo. siguro, kung babalikan kita ngayon, gusto kong hiramin ulit ung mata mo, para fresh ulit ang pagtingin ko sa mundo. kasi kahit naman cynical tayo since time immemorial, there’s something pristine about you, something I’ve lost along the way. virginity ba ito?

anyhow, kung babalikan kita at tatanungin mo kong bigla kung kumusta ang pagiging ina, ahmm nagsisimula pa lang ang laban, sasabihin ko sayo kapag alam ko na ang sagot. ay may naisip ako, kumusta ang pagiging ina? KOMBI! kumbinasyon ng pinaghalo-halong pakiramdam.

Kung babalikan kita at itatanong mo what is love, sasabihin ko sayo go experience it yourself. masyadong kumplikado ang love para isagot sa tanong na “ano”.

kung itatanong mo sakin kung kumusta ang buhay may-asawa, masaya pero hindi laging malungkot. masarap sa pakiramdam na may pakners ka sa pagharap sa bawat umagang gumigising sayo. hindi ko maipaliwanag pero may mainit na pakiramdam sa katotohanang may kashare ka sa saya, sa hirap, sa lungkot, sa wala lang. bago bumerde yang utak mo, yung mainit na pakiramdam na sinasabi ko, hindi libog lang. wala pa akong naiisip na pinakamagandang terminong babagay sa ganung pakiramdam. kapag nalaman ko na sasabihin ko sayo.

andami kong sinabi na out of context sa pagkamiss ko sayo noh? hmm pero kung babalikan kita ngayon, makikilala mo kaya ako?

my labor and delivery experience


My baby’s 11 days old now but I haven’t talked about my little one’s birth story. (I think I have had a pleasant birthing experience compared to the horrible birth story as told by some of the moms I know)😊

The day before I gave birth was my scheduled OB-gyne check-up. My doctor did an IE (internal examination) and said I was already at 2-3 centimeters. Since I haven’t had experience strong continuous contraction, I was sent home. She even prescribed Primrose capsule to help thin and dilate my cervix in preparation for my labor. Actually, I have been eating 6 pieces of Dates fruit per day for the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy because it also helps with labor and delivery. (according to studies, dates fruit helps with cervical dilation and reduces the duration of labor) I told my OB about this and she said it seems effective since my cervix was softer the last time she did an examination. Anyways, since I’m already 39 weeks that time and hasn’t had labored yet, I took Primrose as well that night.

It was around 2:30 am the next day (February 21) when I felt a throbbing pain from my back radiating to the front coupled with my tummy hardening with a few minutes interval. I have had contraction before (Braxton-hicks) but this one’s different because no matter what position I tried to do, the pain doesn’t go away. I recorded my contraction and noticed that it has become regularly strong although it has a short duration. The pain was still bearable so I decided to sleep through it but it still wakes me up from time to time. I knew right then that I’ll soon be meeting my little angel.

Come 4:30 am, the radiating back pain continues together with my tummy getting hard so I woke up my husband. He told me to take a bath already to prepare to go to the hospital but after bathing, I felt better although I already have bloody show. I told my husband it’s not yet time.

We were able to attend the morning worship service and do some stuff at home. My mom and I was even able to sweep the backyard despite the pain that I was feeling. When lunch came, I only eat so little (I was more anxious about passing poop during my delivery than the delivery itself, yeah, it sounds crazy coming from a nurse like me considering I’ve witnessed lots of labor and delivery cases with patients pooping and delivering a baby at the same time. I just can’t imagine it happening to me though 😱)

After we had our lunch, it was then that the pain was becoming constantly strong it’s so annoying that I told my husband it’s time to go to the hospital. I texted my OB about my condition and asked how to proceed. She instructed that I be sent to the ER and be checked there.

We arrived at the hospital around 1pm. They took my admission paper (prepared by my OB weeks before my duedate) and asked some information and identification cards. They made me lie on the bed, remove my clothes, put on a hospital gown and diaper, took my vital signs and attached an intravenous line. The doctor on duty did an IE and I was only at 3 cm that time but since I again had bloody show, they continued with the admission. After a few minutes, I was transferred to the labor room because the private room where I will be admitted isn’t prepared yet. I think I stayed there for 2-3 hours together with my husband and my mom. My labor pains continued as the nurses and doctors come and go for vitals signs monitoring like every 30 minutes (though I’m not sure about the time intervals as I can barely concentrate on my surroundings because of the pain that I was feeling).

I remembered being transferred to the private room which was very near to the delivery room. When I got transferred there, I remember seeing my OB and she instructed to administer Buscophan via IV. She keeps on checking my cervix (via IE) and she’s doing stripping as well to facilitate labor. When I reached around 7-8 cm, I think that’s the time they gave me an Oxytocin drip (this is to speed up my labor and to make my contractions more effective). I believe they have administered a pain reliever before the Oxy drip although I’m not sure if it was Morphine or Demerol.

My mom and my husband were there throughout my labor and I am more than thankful. My mother would encourage me to walk around the room to manage the pain and facilitate my contraction. On the other hand, my husband would occasionally hold my hand and kiss my forehead although I keep on telling him to stay away (I remember myself telling him this, “wag kang lumapit, susuntukin kita!”). Yes, that’s what labor does to you, from your composed and calmed persona you find yourself turning into a monster 👹, hahaha) He would always ask my pain scale of 1-10 to which I would always answer 8 or 9. He would instruct me to do deep breathing and would occasionally talk to my baby not to torture me much. All through out my labor and delivery, not once did I rate my pain as 10. For me, I’d rate my pain as 10 if it’s enough to get me into tears to which my labor did not. However, I’m not telling that my labor and delivery was a piece of cake just because I did not reach the maximum pain rate. I can confirm what my sister said, “pag naglalabor ka, buhok mo lang ang hindi masakit.” Everything just fucking hurts you just want to get over it.

After some more time, I think I was at 8-9 cm when my OB decided it was time for me to go to the delivery room. According to my mom, I was wheeled inside DR around 7:30 pm. I remembered being transferred three times from bed to bed it was exhausting and annoying. I remembered being transferred to the DR bed and being put into lithotomy position. An oxygen cannula was attached to me and right then, my journey to never ending pushing started. Every time I got contraction, I was instructed to push. I push hard and strong lots of times but it still wasn’t enough for my baby to come out. Since I’ve been there for more than just a few minutes, my OB decided to ask another doctor (the Pediatrician who’s supposed to catch my baby) to do fundal pushing. It took 3 rather painful and literally breathtaking fundal push until my baby came out. I remembered hearing my baby cry. Alas! My Sophia Avery was delivered at 8:35pm. (I actually thought for a minute that I’ll die not because of my labor and delivery but because of the forceful fundal push to which I gladly didn’t.)

After my delivery, everything was a blur. I remember to have woken up already in my assigned room and my vitals being checked by a nurse. The first thing I noticed was my tummy was way smaller. Only then it sinked in that I have already given birth. I scanned my room for signs of my baby but she wasn’t there. I immediately asked the nurse who’s doing the checking and was assured that my baby was in the nursery room and will be roomed in soon.

My husband and my mom immediately attended to me and asked how I was feeling. They prepared soup and drinks for me. I remember feeling drained. My arms and knees are wobbly. It feels like Mt. Pulag again only it wasn’t. They told me my baby was a bright eyed beauty. They said they took pictures although I don’t remember anything about that. They also told me that Nanay, Tatay, Wewel and Maida came to visit but I barely remember seeing them. Maida told me that I even talked to her but I was so groggy.

I slept for a few more hours and finally, the nurse on duty roomed in my baby. I was told she cried the whole time she was away from me. She has this unique cry that it sounds like she was hurting so much although she wasn’t. I have a feeling she’ll get spoiled because of this. When I get to hold my baby, different emotions crawl through me. I mean, can you imagine, me? A mother? If you asked me decades ago if I picture myself a mother, my answer will be downright NO. I ain’t sweet, I ain’t responsible and I’m freaking lazy which disqualifies me to be one. But when I was holding that tiny creature who looks so delicate, right there and then, I had convicted myself to try hard to become the mother this child would ever need. 

Indeed, I have given birth to a miracle.

(below are some pictures during my labor and delivery)

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Being a mother is both a blessing and a responsibility. I pray to God that I’ll be able to give justice to the word.

advance


Nakachat ko yung isa kong tropapips dati sa al Reef at sinend niya sakin tong piktyur ko.

IMG-20160117-WA0001Hanep, mukha kong kalansay. Hindi ko matandaan kung ano yung pinaglalaban ko diyan pero tanda ko kuha yan nung birthday treat nung isang doktor namin.

Hindi ko alam bakit naisip kong ipost yan. Siguro looking back na din sa tingting kong katawan noon, ngayon kasi ultimo paa ko di ko kita, pero syempre jontis, alam nyo na. Pero syempre kahit manganak na ako ayoko nang bumalik sa ganyang kapayat na mukhang malnourished hahaha.

Anyways, tinanong ako nung tropa ko kung excited na ba ko manganak, sabi ko naman oo, syempre gusto ko na makita mukha ni bebi kung ako ba kamukha niya or si daddylabs. Tinanong niya din ako kung natatakot ako sa sakit, pinagisipan ko maigi pero hindi naman ako natatakot. Sabi ng ate kong panganay since birth mataas daw talaga ang pain tolerance ko, but I highly doubt kung chill galore ako sa araw ng labor and delivery ko noh.

Kung tatanungin nyo ako kung natatakot ako sa sakit? Hindi din ang sagot ko. Mas natatakot pa ako sa katotohanan na paglabas ng baby ko maeexpose na siya sa mundong walang kasiguraduhan. Mararanasan na niya ang sakit, init, gutom, pagkabigo at kung ano-ano pang bagay na nagdedefine satin bilang tao. Exaggerated ba? Hahahahaha sorry naman masyadong advance lang talaga ako mag-isip.

Bukas babalik akong hospital para magpaultrasound, malalaman ko na kung diet as tolerated pa din or no rice na till the time na mangitlog na ako, Wish me luck! Hindi kasi natuloy ngayong araw kasi wala yung doktor.

 

 

 

 

something to ponder on


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I just saw this post on the instagram page I was following recently. And it’s actually my mantra at the moment or atleast I believe so.

Many stuff has happened these past few months. I’m expecting a baby soon! Yay! Gone will be the days of sleeping more than 13 hours. I remember one of our female doctor told me that she hasn’t had a good sleep for a year since she had her baby. Well, not that she’s complaining though, it’s completely evident in her animated face that she loves every bit of her bundle of joy. I wonder if I’d be the same once my baby’s out? I sure hope so.

Did I mention that we’re back? Yeah, we’re back. We’re definitely back. I think it’s been more than a week now since we got home. Although it seems like an eternity to me. Blame the almost 24/7 clinic duty back in the desert wherein you couldn’t even tell which date are you in because you’re way too busy to notice and way too tired to care. I suddenly miss my busy old life. The irony of it all. Back then, I was always desperately asking for just a one day leave to rest. And now I have all the time in the world yet I feel restless. (must be the pregnancy hormones doing their magic)

Anyways, we’re still figuring things out. I hope it (our plans if ever we have) will work just fine. I’ll be due in 3 months time, I guess? Some says if you’re a primigravid, either it will be a little earlier than your due date or a little later. I don’t have an idea how early or how late. I hope I’ll be prepared for the worst.

 

 

 

dati sampu ngayon bente na


siguro dalawang buwan na yung nakakaraan nung unang beses akong binigyan ng pera ng isa sa pasyente namin dahil natripan nila ung assistance ko during their treatment. nung unang beses nga akala ko minamaniac na ako nung matandang babae na nagbigay sakin ng 10 dirhams, makahawak naman kasi wagas, aun pala hinahanap nya lang  ung bulsa ng scrub suit uniform ko. wahaha

anyway hayway, kanina nabigyan ako ulit ng datung! kung dati 10 dirhams ngayon asensado na! 20 dirhams naman. nagulat part 2 ang lola nyo kasi mukhang mataray ung babaeng lokal na pasyente namin kanina tapos nung natapos na ung treatment sa kanya, inantay nya ako sa may pintuan ng treatment room tapos biglang may isinuksok ulit sa bulsa ng scrub suit uniform ko sabay sabi ng “that’s for you, shukran habibi! (thank you my dear in English)”. dahil nagulat ako, hindi na ako nakapagpasalamat kasi umalis sya kagad right after magbayad. nung hinatid ko ung nagamit na instruments sa sterilization room namin saka ko sinilip ung bulsa ko at nakita ko nga ung 20 dirhams.

at dahil may instant 20 dirhams ako, dumirecho kami ng 2 kong batchmates/dakilang tagalibre ko sa al dana cafeteria at chumibog ng 3 shawarma at half roasted chicken plus fanta softdrinks. instant 20 dirhams. instant kabusugan.

sa pasyente namin na nakalimutan ko ang pangalan, salamat ng madami at binusog mo kami.

sa uulitin. hahaha. peace out.

it’s just plain sad


This evening, we encountered this well-off Emirati transferred ortho-patient who came all the way from Sharjah just to get his braces done to our clinic.

When he entered the room, I greeted him “Assalamalaykum!” and smile like I used to greet other patients.

He responded “Alayku Salam” but followed up with a question “You’re a Filipina aren’t you? Are you a Muslim?” to which I replied “No, Sir. I’m a Christian”.

This patient said “Good. Because if you are a Muslim, I’ll be scared. Who knows, you might be a member of the Abu Sayyaf.” His comment caught me off-guard and suddenly I’m lost for words. (Like seriously, how do you respond to such comment without sounding defensive or offensive? And ain’t Emirati’s Muslim as well?)

Before his treatment starts, the patient started telling us his death defying experience when he visited Philippines years ago for a business trip. He said that he was held-up by a group of Muslim kabayans, took his $20,000 pocket money, his luggage and shot him on the neck. The only thing that was left was his passport. He did not say anything about how he survived but he told us that he had to undergo operation and had 16 stitches on his neck down to his chest. I checked out his neck and the scars were still there. He mentioned to our resident doctor that should he try to visit our country, he should never go to Maharlika Taguig, Manila and Cebu. According to our patient, these places in our country are the most dangerous areas to go to.

After his story-telling comes his treatment and afterwards back to his litany. The patient said he perfectly understands that ours is not a perfect world and among hundreds of people you meet, only 15 percent are good and the rest are Harame or evil. He  said that even here in the desert, the same thing applies. He even mentioned that he has met good Pinoys too but he surely won’t go back to the Philippines for another visit.

After the patient left, our resident doctor R exclaimed that he won’t pay Cebu a visit anymore because of what he has heard from our Emirati patient. You see, Dr. R is planning to visit Philippines and is asking us for nice places to go. One colleague of mine suggested Cebu. He previously mentioned that he is afraid to go to our country because of the horrible news he has seen on the net but I told him that some news are just mere exaggeration of the reality. I mean we aren’t living in a perfect world, right? Even countries with high stature have incidence of crimes. I believe I was able to convince him before but after he heard the story from the Emirati patient himself, he had made up his mind that Philippines is a dangerous place to go.

Right after I heard our patient’s story, the thoughts of the innocent Chinese tourist who were killed back in 2010 comes into my mind. I certainly hope that such incidents won’t be happening in the future because if it does, I don’t know how can I face another tourist wannabe like Dr. R, look at him straight in the eye and say that our country’s a beautiful and safe place to visit when the news says otherwise?

tatlo


tatlong buwan na ang nakakaraan simula nang magtrabaho ako bilang nars sa aming pagamutan

ambilis ng oras dito sa disyerto

isang taon at siyam na buwan na lang bago ako makauwi ng Pinas! wuhooo!