dahil sa Stay


sabi ko manunuod ako ng movie sa netflix basta petiks sa work tapos napunta ako sa youtube tapos pinanuod at pinakinggan ko ung Stay ng Blackpink kasi nacurious ako sa laki ng fanbase nila tapos ayun, buong shift na akong nanunuod at nakikinig ng music videos ng mga kanta nila, syet hahaha

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like a specimen under a microscope


so I’ve been doing billing for almost 2 months now with my Cali-based employer. To monitor our productivity, they have installed timedoctor in our desktop. Before, that tracker used to take random screenshot of our active window and will stop time tracking once our window become idle for 8-10 minutes. However, just recently, they have taken the monitoring to a new level, they also take webcam shots every 10 minutes now and it’s really irritating coz it makes me feel like the big Boss is sitting right beside me looking exactly at my every movement.

I mentioned this to his Filipina VA (virtual assistant)and she said that webcam shots has been there for quite some time, perhaps, mine was just activated a little late. Oh well, perhaps big B’s got a lot of trust issues. Anyhow, I recently intereacted with a co-biller and she said she wasn’t comfortable having her photo taken thru webcam and she had covered hers since she started home-based job and big B hasn’t scolded her about it yet. She added it wasn’t on the print she signed therefore she’ll continue covering her webcam until she gets reprimanded. I was thinking of doing the same but I couldn’t find a good reason to justify why I’ll be covering it since I had mine started taking photos like 2 days ago and I didn’t complain.

Hmm. Oh I also learned that Big B really has some trust issues and he’s a little stingy. They said he doesn’t give increases and bonuses which makes me a little disappointed and made me think of finding another one. His VA for example has another client aside from Big B so I was hoping I could find another client too. Well, wish me luck. Hope that webcam shots won’t be taking photos lesser than 10 minutes or else…hayyy.

just like he was mine


so my husband posted this on my FB’s timeline and I got so kilig and touched at the same time and I don’t want other people to think we’re paBebe so instead of posting it back to his FB’s timeline, I decided to post it hereūüė≥

but yeah I’ll also post this on IG so keribels sa mga ampalayaūüėĚ

Just my two cents


Recently my 2nd elder sister posted a status update in FB saying “kelan ko kaya ulit makikita ang mga barkada ko, namimiss ko na sila”. My husband’s always updated on Fb and he immediately related my sister’s status update to me saying it’s inappropriate to post something like that considering my sister’s got huge responsibility having 7 kids on her back (one’s with us so there’s 6 remaining kids). I replied saying “tao pa din naman siya”. I mean I know my sister can really be selfish at times but I also know she cares for her kids. I mean once you become a parent, do you have to lose yourself in the process of being one? I don’t think so. I mean, your kids have to come first most of the time like 99% but isn’t it fair to keep atleast 1% for yourself? Otherwise how else would you keep your sanity? Perhaps those know-it-alls parents or not would say that’s bull because once you subjected yourself into creating another life, you have to be responsible for them like for the rest of your life. I don’t remember who said this to me not sure if it’s my mom or my sister, “kapag nagka-anak ka na, sa kanila na iikot ang mundo mo”. I mean this could be partly true coz nowadays my world literally revolves around my kids. I couldn’t remember the last time I stepped out of the house without my kids with me. Even when I work they’re with me though not the whole 8 hours otherwise they’ll throw into a tantrum.

Having kids will literally turn your world upside down. They did mine. But do I regret having them?No. I would always choose a life with them in it. But if I could go back, perhaps I would have had them at a later time when we have everything ready, house of our own, stable source of income where we don’t have to worry about what’s going to happen in the future. That could have been better but anyway I guess life’s like that, it always happens the least we expect it will.

Ooopps, this post got longer than it should. I just hope everything will turn out fine. Hope my kids will turn out happy and kind. I hope my parenting wouldn’t suck as I’m expecting it would. Hahaha. I think I talked too much today I mean I typed too much rather. Lack of sleep does that to you I guess.

Before I further blabber nonsense, I’d have to take off because I’m still working at this hour. 40 minutes more before my log out time. Shhh my son’s sleeping. Gotta shut up now.

New beginnings


One week has already passed since 2018. It’s been a very hectic and busy week for me. For one, I haven’t finished my Upwork freelance job which is supposedly good for a week only. Next is, I submitted lots of online applications and have scheduled¬†interviews here and there (I even have an upcoming interview next Wednesday, good luck to me) also, interviews comes with tryouts so I have a long list of stuff to be done.¬† Unfortunately, I haven’t landed any permanent online job yet aside from my online tutorial. I’m still doing my ESL online tutorial and fortunately, almost all of my opened slots are booked.

Oh, I also submitted my resignation on my previous job which my TL didn’t take lightly because she guaranteed to the big bosses that I’d come back when I asked for a maternity leave extension so another bad record for me. I actually like my previous job minus the commuting part which takes ages, but, unfortunately, no one will be able to look after my 4-month-old baby because he has the tendency to cry non-stop at night and no one can soothe him except me (they tried but failed) so I have no option but to quit my job) My TL offered another ML extension because I reasoned for medical issues but I’m still undecided because I’m not sure what will be our plan for the future. I also don’t want to make promises I can’t keep and also wouldn’t want to put the company in jeopardy. I actually feel very guilty because my team’s performance would also be affected because I’m leaving, also, I had a good record before I went on leave but my kids come first.

decide

Anyhow, I’ll be texting my TL about my decision and I’m sure I’ll be scolded again because I am informing late again but que sera sera. I’m not a very good decision maker but they say bad decisions make good stories, don’t they?

I just have to trust that there is something good in every goodbye…

trust the magic of new beginnings

feeling appreciated


Even in the slightest, I haven’t dreamt to be a teacher nor a tutor. I may look like I’m very patient but I’m not. I don’t have the heart to tolerate people. (perhaps that’s the reason I only have few friends, hahaha) This is exactly the reason I’m surprised that I am teaching now. (Siguro ganun talaga pag kapit sa patalim, sabi nga nila beggars can’t be choosers so kahit hindi ko linya pinatulan ko gaya ng pagtuturo¬†hahaha).

Every time I finished all my booked classes, I always feel exhausted because I have to pretend I’m upbeat, friendly and all that it takes to be a good teacher but last night was different. I ended my class with a genuine smile on my face all because of what my student said.

Usually, before I end my lesson, I will ask some questions to verify if they did understand what I have taught them. Also, I will ask if they have questions for me or if they have any comments and I am used to getting “No questions or nothing” answers. However, when I asked my student named “Lily”, she answered “Yes” so although it’s past 25 minutes, I decided to extend a few minutes more to accommodate her.

Our convo goes like this:

Me: Do you have any questions for me, Lily?

Lily: Yes, teacher. Thank you. You are hard.

Me: (I was like uhm, okay,) Hard? Do you mean to say I’m a little strict on how I teach my lessons?

Lily: No teacher. (talks in Chinese looks like she was thinking about words to express herself clearly)

Me: Or do you mean to say that our lesson for today is hard?

Lily: No teacher. (talks to herself in Chinese again)

Me: Could you type your sentence in the chat box? You could also do it in Chinese and then I’ll just translate it.

So she did. She typed the word “Hard” again and only then that I realized that she was trying to thank me for working hard to teach her English.

ACL_Lily_122817_thankful

Lily was my last class so I’m already wasted then but when she said thank you for all the hard work, it was like all my frustrations in my previous classes were dissolved in an instant. (Siguro ganito ung nararamdaman ng mga teachers everytime naaappreciate sila ng mga¬†estudyante. Ngayon ko lang narealize lalo na hindi biro ang pagtuturo) If I had known then, I would have said millions of thanks to all my teachers.

Anyhow, alam¬†kong madami pa kong kakaining bigas, I’m not even sure if I could continue doing this ESL tutoring thing but this is definitely one of the highlights in my ESL tutor sideline. Something that I’ll never forget (hoping I won’t)

goodbye and hello


in a few hours time, we’ll bid goodbye to 2016 and welcome 2017 (so cliche the intro, haha)

I’ve got lots to be grateful for this year. First and foremost, we got the greatest blessing there is and that will be our daughter Piatot. (despite the sleeplessness, dirty nappies, unexpected tantrums anytime anywhere, the happiness that she has brought into our lives is beyond compare) I happen to get myself a job (though I think I’ll be saying goodbye to this and transfer to another one, haha, wishful), we got our-self a store and an e-bike.

I don’t know but I’m not so excited with new year. maybe because I feel so unsure of what’s going to happen (siguro kapag may anak ka na lagi mo talagang iniisip ung walang kasiguraduhan, or maybe I’m that paranoid, ung tipong dapat maayos ang lahat, bawal kaming mawala or something dahil kawawa naman si Piatot kung mauulila siya, dapat may ganito or ganyan kami para maging maayos ung buhay niya) blah blah. If you’re gonna enter my mind right now, you’ll explode because lots of those uncertainties are lurking in every corner of my mind.

But anyways, I came across this saying in IG this morning. “I am blessed. Today, I am going to focus on what is right in my life“.¬†after ¬†reading this quote, I felt a little better. Just like what someone said somewhere, worrying makes you suffer twice so I want to spare myself from those. (I’m not so much of a masochist)

so tada!

happy new year everyone!

good luck to us!

from a still cynical me,

aubu

paru-paro


pagkatapos kong pagalingin ang ego kong sugatan sa recent rejection sa isang job application, sumabak na naman ako sa oplan hanap trabaho.

sa totoo lang hindi ko na din sigurado kung anong trabaho ung gusto kong patusin, sabi nga nung isa kong kaibigan ko magulo daw ako, sabi ko naman edi kayo na may direksyon sa buhay. hahaha. gusto kong subukan magtrabaho sa ospital pero yung huling tumawag sakin eh parang joke time ung salary offer, kahit ata sarili ko hindi ko mabubuhay sa ganung sweldo. Yung isang sikat naman na ospital, aba inimbitahan ako sa exam at interview eh anak ng tokwa, pagkatapos mo pala ipasa yung mga yun magbabayad ka muna ng 10 libo para sa training at depende sa performance mo kung iaabsorb ka nila. Edi wow. so saan ba pupunta ang isang katulong ng doktor na ex-ofw para maghanap ng trabahong pwedeng makabuhay ng pamilya kahit papaano , edi ang in na in na trabaho sa Pinas, call center. Bow.

Galing na kong callcenter bago pa ko nangibang bayan, pero nung panahon na un hindi pa naman ganun kagrabe ung Application process. Ngayon halimaw, natatandaan ko nun, petiks mode naman ung application at recruitment process namin nun. Hassle free at walang stress. Eh yung pinakarecent na inaplayan ko eh one day application daw eh nak ng pusa ung lalamunan ko sumakit ng husto. May initial interview tapos computer exam tapos phone interview (hati pa sa dalawa yan) tapos Versant (yung computer generated ek ek na nagggauge sa Communication skills mo daw) tapos typing test, tapos phone interview ulit tapos final interview (na parang lahat ng tanong sa isang interview naitanong na niya at lahat ng pwedeng scenario sa trabaho na naexperience mo ay gusto niyang ipakwento. Anyways siguro may swerte, naipasa ko naman lahat. Pero nakakahaggard na tunay.

Nung lumabas ako ng Company building para maglunch,may paru-paro na dumapo sa daliri at kahit anung gawin ko ayaw umalis. Ayun naisipan kong piktyuran.

img1464275496419.jpg

sabi nila, ang mga paru-paro ay mga mahal mo sa buhay na pumanaw at muling dumadalaw. parang ang creepy pero nakakatuwa din isipin.

naisip ko, parang ako yung paru-paro, palipad-lipad, palipat-lipat. mula Pinas nagpunta ng disyerto tapos balik sa lupang sinilangan. naisip ko bigla, sana dumating yung panahon na may iisang bulaklak lang akong tutuntungan.

dahil mas marami pang mahalagang bagay kesa pag-eemote


Habang nakahiga ako katabi ng anak kong payapang natutulog na may konting paghihilik on the side, iniisip ko kung saan ako nagkamali sa pagsagot sa interview at exam ko kahapon sa isang kumpanya. andaming tanong bigla sa utak ko. bakit kaya hindi pa sila nagtetext. zero ba ko sa exam? hindi nila feel ang aura ko? pati ba naman sa non-voice bokya ako? hanggang mapunta sa saan ba ko nagkamali ng desisyon sa buhay at struggling pa din ako? nakakaguilty bigla na nag-anak ako pero hindi ko pa siya kayang bigyan ng magandang buhay na tutugma sa ideal na magandang buhay sa isip ko.

hanggang sa naalala ko hindi ko pa pala napaplantsa yung damit ng baby ko na nilabhan ni daddylabs. 

tapos may narinig ako sa isip ko na nagsabing “Cut! OA na!”

oo na, eto na nga, magpaplantsa na.

namimiss kita


dear fresh-grad me,

It’s been a while. Hindi na siguro tayo magkikita. Baka sa panaginip na lang. Nakakamiss ka naman. Nakakamiss yung positive outlook mo sa kinabukasan. Yung kainosentehan mo sa real world after graduation. Yung curiosity mo sa mga bagay na hindi mo pa napagdaanan at naranasan. Gaano na ba katagal?walong taon na ba?magsisiyam?halos isang dekada na pala. Kung magkikita kaya tayo ngayon anong sasabihin mo sakin?matutuwa ka kaya?

alam mo nakapag-abroad tayo. may nadagdag sa kakaonting kaibigan na meron tayo. tapos nagkapamilya din tayo sa edad na 27 gaya ng plano mo nun. kung tatanungin mo ako kung natagpuan ko na ang forever, hindi ako sigurado. pero gusto kong malaman mo na matapos ang ilang taon naming magkasintahan at isang taon mahigit na mag-asawa, yung paru-paro sa sikmura, andun pa din. gusto ko yung idea ng forever pero masyadong too good to be true yun. wala namang nabubuhay forever. kapag umabot kami sa puntong puti na ang buhok at nagmamahalan pa din, susulatan kita ulit at sasabihin kong eto na nga ata yun. 

oo nga pala, nagka-anak ka sa edad na 28. ang cute cute ng anak mo. ayan hindi ka tatandang-dalaga gaya ng hula mo. hindi mo na kailangang magimagine kung magiging kamukha mo ang anak mo if ever kasi nakikita mo siya araw-araw na unti-unting lumalaki.

ay oo nga pala hindi ka pa din milyonaryo. wala ka pang bahay at lupa, walang investment at walang savings (paubos na eh). Oo. Magttrenta ka na pero struggling ka pa din.  Sorry ha. Hindi tayo sinuwerte sa trabaho eh at sorry kasi hindi ako ganun kawais sa pera. Nakalimutan ko na isa sa listahan mo nun ay ang magkaroon ng sariling bahay at lupa bago magasawa. Pero wag kang mag-alala, nakalibot naman tayo sa Pinas kahit paano. Hindi lang kasi talaga kinaya ng sweldo ko na makabili ng bahay at lupa kasabay ng paglalagalag natin nun eh. Pero hayaan mo naghahanap ako ng trabaho. Tiwala lang. Makakabili rin kami nun. Sa ngayon bahay at lupa sa larawan muna ha.

at oo nga pala ulit, burdado ka na, isa ka na sa mga posibleng mahatulang adik dahil lang may tattoo ka. pero wala kang pakialam kaya keri lang. Gusto mo pa ngang dagdagan eh.

oo nga pala,sa kasalukuyan isa tayong dakilang tambay. Wala kong ginagawa kundi asikasuhin ang anak natin. Hindi ko alam kung epekto ng panganganak to or yung punyemas na hormones pero nadedepress ako. Lalo na kapag dumadating yung gabi , ung pipikit na lang at matutulog biglang gising ung diwa mo. Those negative thoughts are like molds slowly eating my brain piece by piece. Alam mo kasi kahit yung mga motivational quotes na nababasa ko these past few days hindi naauplift yung espirito ko. ano bang life crisis ang tawag dito? 

anyways, bago ka magmukmok at madepress nang slight, hindi ka naman minalas sa buhay mo. Madaming taong nagmamahal ang nakapaligid sayo, madaming opportunities ang inilatag sayo, madaming exciting adventures ding sinagupa ka at eto buhay pa tayo. siguro, kung babalikan kita ngayon, gusto kong hiramin ulit ung mata mo, para fresh ulit ang pagtingin ko sa mundo. kasi kahit naman cynical tayo since time immemorial, there’s something pristine about you, something I’ve lost along the way. virginity ba ito?

anyhow, kung babalikan kita at tatanungin mo kong bigla kung kumusta ang pagiging ina, ahmm nagsisimula pa lang ang laban, sasabihin ko sayo kapag alam ko na ang sagot. ay may naisip ako, kumusta ang pagiging ina? KOMBI! kumbinasyon ng pinaghalo-halong pakiramdam.

Kung babalikan kita at itatanong mo what is love, sasabihin ko sayo go experience it yourself. masyadong kumplikado ang love para isagot sa tanong na “ano”.

kung itatanong mo sakin kung kumusta ang buhay may-asawa, masaya pero hindi laging malungkot. masarap sa pakiramdam na may pakners ka sa pagharap sa bawat umagang gumigising sayo. hindi ko maipaliwanag pero may mainit na pakiramdam sa katotohanang may kashare ka sa saya, sa hirap, sa lungkot, sa wala lang. bago bumerde yang utak mo, yung mainit na pakiramdam na sinasabi ko, hindi libog lang. wala pa akong naiisip na pinakamagandang terminong babagay sa ganung pakiramdam. kapag nalaman ko na sasabihin ko sayo.

andami kong sinabi na out of context sa pagkamiss ko sayo noh? hmm pero kung babalikan kita ngayon, makikilala mo kaya ako?