when you had to deal with fears you never had

kahapon napanuod ko sa tv na ibinalita ung MOMO challenge kung saan nililink ung pagkamatay nung batang uminom ng 21 tabs of anti-gout. tapos nagbrowse ako sa fb at nakita ko na naman un. may nakita din akong post ng isang mom wherein while her daughter was watching Peppa Pig in Youtube kids, there was a sudden clip that was shown that gives step by step instruction on how to slice one’s wrist.

Ayun, kinilabutan ako ng bongga at nag-alala ng husto para kina Piatot at Bastelog ko. Jusme, anung klaseng mga tao naman ung gumagawa ng ganun. Bakit mga bata pa ung tinatarget nila.

Kakapanuod ko lang din ng babiesforsaleph ni Atom Araullo nung isang araw at sobra din akong naapektuhan. May mga batang ilang araw pa lang binebenta na ng magulang online tapos meron din nagnanakaw pa ng anak ng iba. Tapos meron pa na nangunguha ng bata para kuhaan ng internal organs. Jusmelord, iniisip ko pa lang gawin nila un sa anak ko, napapraning na ako na nababaliw na mamamatay.

dahil sa mga nababasa at napapanuod ko sa tv at online, parang gusto kong ibalik sa tyan ko ung dalawa kong junakis para lagi ko lang silang kasama. parang pwede naman un…hahaha

sabi ko sa nag-aalaga ng anak ko, oras na mangyari ung ganun sakin, (jusme ni sa panaginip wag naman) gagamitin ko lahat ng resources ko para huntingin ung gumawa ng game at pipira-pirasuhin ko sila, pag naman ung mga nangunguha ng bagets para ibenta or kuhanan ng organs, papahirapan ko sila ng husto hanggang sa iwish nila na sana hindi na lang sila pinanganak sa mundong ibabaw.

grabe. matagal ko nang alam na mahirap na maging nanay pero iba pa din pala pag ikaw na nakakaexperience, ganito pala na sobrang nakakapraning.

iniisip ko si mama. gaano kaya kahirap sa kanya na sobrang independent ako nun simula elem gang grumadweyt para pakawalan ako at hayaan akong gawin ang mga gusto ko ng mag-isa.

ako kaya pano ko un gagawin sa mga anak ko, hahaha

grabe. my thoughts are running wild at this wee hours of the night…

amazing Piatot

happy new year! my goodness, it’s been really a while since my last post here, so much had happened and stuff still keeps happening hahaha

anyways, I just had to share this one, otherwise I might forget about this..

yesterday, Piatot and I went to our evening worship service. She was still recuperating from 3 consecutive days of fever so I really expected she would just sit still until the service finishes. I was surprised when she jump from her seat and join a group of kids her age playing.

They were just quietly playing from the start until an elder kid joined them and started showing off her toys that she’d brought with her. They were amazed by her mini dolls and acted like they would want to borrow it from that kid. Unfortunately, the kid didn’t want to hand them her toys. This is what I heard from their convo

A (batang 1 month younger than Pia: Peram ako isa lang!

Pia (she was quietly looking at the kid’s mini dolls and she has that look that she wants to borrow it too but she didn’t reach for it)

Elder S (4-5years old): Bili to ng mommy ko sa mall binili niya ko ng witch saka rapunzel tapos dalawang baby dolls

Pia: (with an annoyed look on her face) dami ko toys bahay bili daddy ko, one two three (habang minumwestra ung daliri nya gano kadami toys nya nafeel niya siguro na niyayabangan siya nung batang babae hahaha)

Elder S: ako din dami bili ng mommy ko sa bahay

Pia: daddy ko dami dogs Elly chuchuy dami babbit one two three dami bahay

Elder S: kami ng momy ko bibili ng dog yung yellow

Pia: kami dami dogs bahay dami dami babbit dami baby babbit ibon pa dami

Elder S: Play na lang tayo to oh look eto ung witch (tapos kunwari lilipad ung isang mini doll nung batang babae)

Then they played again until the worship service finishes. I was quite amazed at how Piatot proudly tried to counter that elder kid showing off though she still cannot speak fluently. I knew that moment she’s not going to be someone who’ll be bullied hahaha I hope she’ll still be the same fighter when she grows up and if she ever forgets how to fight I hope this blog post would still be here so I have proof that she’s already a fighter at barely 3 years old😊

I see it everywhere..

So I have already finished taking the exam I mentioned on my last post and I am currently waiting for the results and no matter how much I try calming my mind, I just see it everywhere. I browse my FB and IG account and an ad about the exam I’ve taken pops up. I read an article about what-nots and the name of someone mentioned in the article rhymes with the exam name. I sleep and I dreamed that I got 56 on all areas which literally makes me feel like I’m doomed. Gosh. Exam results come out now, save me from myself. Achieving tranquility amidst this world is easier said than done.

will do binge-watching on Netflix, perhaps this will help a little..

so I am reviewing for an upcoming English exam and I was getting my confidence slowly until my boss called me via skype

boss: hey Aubu, how are you?

me: I’m good, how are you?

boss: so I’d like you to meet Erika, she’s the new chief operating officer of the Billing Dept.

me: nice to meet you

boss: so we called to ask you how confident you are if you are to go back to posting payments and codes

me: I’m quite confident. I just think I need some refreshments (instead of refresher course, the hell, gutom siguro ko)

boss: okay, we just need your opinion about this coz we’ll be doing some minor changes with the job descriptions and duties and all.

me: okay (ung gusto kong magfacepalm dahil sa refreshments)

boss: okay bye we’ll get in touch with you soon.

ung totoo.. ung confidence level ko back to zero hahaha so wish me luck talaga😂

spot on

so I was complaining that my injectable contraceptive is making me gain weight or I just have a hearty appetite to which my husband said “matagal ka nang matakaw, humina lang panunaw mo”.


so a student from my alma mater sent me a pm via fb asking me to answer a survey regarding tracing alumni whereabouts

I’ve actually done this before but for a different batch and after answering their survey, I feel overly underachieved. If only being successful could be done by just reviewing for a certain exam or quiz and voila! You got a perfect score! but no, it’s like a maze cave that will keep your heads turn and make your stomach churn. I should know, I’m still on the journey and I have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know that feeling when you should be doing something more than what you’ve always been doing. something big. no erase that. something that you do that makes you feel worthy of yourself.

I’ve always felt I’m a mediocre student (you strive hard but still you’re always halfway to the top) and now I still feel the same, graduated decade ago but still the same mediocre person that I am. I don’t know. maybe it’s the lack of sleep that’s making me feel this way, it sucks.

anyhow, remember the part-time job I told you about? I think I’ll just let it go, I’m having second thoughts of continuing on it. First, the trainer/VA of the company owner doesn’t respect anyone’s time. There was this time that I was told that training starts at 7am only to be told later that it was moved to 9am. There was another time where I was made to wait 5 hours for training evaluation only to be told that she can’t make it because she has lots of tasks to finished. I mean, the world has invented many different ways of communication and they didn’t bother to tell us trainees earlier?I didn’t receive any apology for my time wasted and was told nothing will be paid for the time I waited because nothing was done. With just one week of being with them makes me pity myself, I mean, yes I approached them for a part-time job but it’s like I’m begging them for work. Is it my ego or pride? Or they’re just clueless or shameless. I’m still thinking. I had our laptop repaired and it cost me some money and if I have a part time perhaps I’d be able to earn the money I spent back. But still, I’m having bad vibes on this. I’m applying still but no luck.

Maybe I should have tried lottery again. Maybe I’ll get lucky. Gosh. Where have all the years gone by. A decade more and I’m on 40’s I’m still nowhere near a successful career or financial state where I could safely say my kids will go by swiftly, grow and graduate without financial strains. What the hell did I do during the past years….

shhhh mind. stop thinking…tomorrow is another day..

too much feelings and stuff

I’m not really sure what’s with the big 3 age but I feel gayish or girlish when I hit that age.

I’m not a fan of pink but when I learned that I had to have an experience in hospital, the crocs I added in my Lazada cart was pink or old rose was it. The navy blue crocs didn’t entice me at all. Maybe it’s because my daughter loves pink and the loathe I have against that color has since diminished coz pink is mostly what my daughter wears.

I’m browsing lots and lots of dresses, with lace and looking at a lot of beige and old rose tones. Also, I’m digging make-up now. I’m a powder and lipbalm kinda girl but now I have eyelash curler, lipstick, concealer, eyebrow liner (though I have yet to learn how to put a killer kilay), cheek and lip tint, primer, face powder, BB cream, blush on and sunscreen (which I recently bought just because I saw Belo sunscreen review and they said it’s a good substitute for BB cream or primer or foundation and whatnot) I haven’t tried putting on a full face make and I don’t think I ever would but who knows. I don’t know I just suddenly got interested in make-up maybe because my eldest sister keeps on telling me her make-up stuff..

Oh, I have good news, I have found a part-time job, 4hrs only and I just started training monday morning so less sleep for me this week. I’m getting a little bad vibes coz trainings and evaluations doesn’t start on time like they say it’s 6:30am and you end up waiting till 9:30am and that sucks coz I’m still on duty with my previous/current and that amount of time they made me wait should have been my sleeping time. I hope training and eval finished fast and I hope I’ll pass so this time their eating would give me something to hold on to. I’m still applying to some other jobs though..

I’m thinking of having a pixie hair cut but I have a frizzy curly hair which I think would look like a messy bird’s nest but whenever I see ladies with pixie hair I couldn’t help but wanting that hairstyle. I ordered a keratin treatment set in Lazada so I could do my hair myself and will save time and money from going to salon and will save me from talkative hairstylist looking for money tip (though they’re not all like that but in my experience most of them are)

so something happened and I’m not supposed to talk about it but I feel like I’m in the middle of 2 stones wherein if I say something they’d be a little emotionally affected and I’m guilty because I feel like I’m an accessory and shit. So I should shut up before I say anything I’m not supposed to.

p.s. I recently learned I don’t need to have a hospital experience coz something came up and it could be fixed so there’s need for the pink crocs

p.s. again.. I’m not really into the training sesh with a crappy time on my part time job but I just spent money on our laptop to be fixed for this part time and I don’t really want it to go to waste. I’ll keep looking for online jobs I guess..

p.s. I’m currently convincing myself about the white lies and stuff but I honestly think it’s still lying but really what people don’t know won’t hurt them. or maybe sometimes white lies keep stuff together..

ciao.. maybe I’m blabbering too much shit because of lacking sleep. I’m sorry to all the sleep I have faked before when I was a kid.

error 0x800B0109

so here I am freaking out a little because I’m still working with my current boss, the one I told you about. apparently, the jobs that my friend, colleagues have recommended aren’t jobs yet, I’m still searching part time jobs because I have a thing I have to do.

I checked out ministry of health UAE for my good standing certificate but I’m sure as hell I won’t be able to get one because my horrible ex-bosses/doctors are still working on that medical center I’ve worked before and they will have to review my records which of course is bad because I didn’t finish my contract with them, I just severed contacts and that’s that which in turn would make my good standing certification application be rejected.

I’m also excited just thinking that I’ll have to work in the hospital again but just the thought of applying makes my stomach sick and my head hurts. I’m 31, rusty and haven’t had a decent hospital experience to get me through a hospital application. I tried an online exam for anything related to nursing and I got 4 out of 10, not even 50%.  damn.

so yeah, I just blabbered whatever’s on my mind and nothing near death experience or some catastrophic life-changing happenings with me right now but it feels like I’m going near breaking point.

and yeah, I took a time off early at my online work because of that 0x800B0109 error that keeps me from connecting to our company’s VPN. my supervisor told me to take it up with our boss but no, I’m not talking to him. I think I’ll have a technician check our PC. I actually googled it and it says something about updates and program files which I know nothing about so yeah, it’s better to check with a technician. it says also something about a window update, there’s a program that has to be installed but keeps on failing to be installed. so yes, I have to have the PC checked.

my kids are doing fine, fighting every day over toys and me shouting, scolding and laughing with them like a maniac but yeah, we’re good. being a work-at-home mom has its perks. actually thinking what would happen if I start working in a hospital and what if I have to go away for like months. they won’t forget me easily, right? we’d still be as tight as we are now, right? okay, so now I’m over-reacting. have to go now. it’s the hormones. yeah, it is.


one bad shift doesn’t mean a bad life

so that was what I was telling myself over and over before I was able to force myself to work again today. You see, yesterday, my boss spoke to me via video-call and I got scolded big time. I haven’t felt this bad in a long time, makes me remember my dental clinic days when my assigned doctor would shove remorseful words down my throat.

anyhow, it started with a chat of how are you and asked me about the additional task he told me about, I totally forgot to send an email reply and just send my questions about the job, rates, trial period and all and then he said he’ll call to discuss. That’s when the scolding started, he said he was extremely insulted that I have the nerve to ask about pay increase when I didn’t’ have an idea of how a virtual assistant works. He said he expected me to just say yes and jump in 2 feet because it’s an additional skills. He even mentioned about me talking to his previous VA behind his back which is totally untrue because I don’t really have connection with his VA. I tried apologising like 3-4 times and he said he doesn’t care about apology and said he was extremely disappointed and insulted about the questions I’ve thrown at him. Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the questions I asked him, I wouldn’t have to ask them if he had been clear about details like rate increase, schedule change and trial period because he want one. I don’t know, I am extremely disappointed on how he handled my questions, I would have understood if he had declined the rate increase and explain in good faith the reason behind but all he did was telling how disappointed and insulted he was because of the questions I asked. If not for the cut-off coming up, I would have not woken up and attended my shit oh my shift today. okay that’s my ego talking, I needed the money so I attended my shift and that’s that. well, I felt like a 7-year-old kid being told not to ask questions because I’m too young to understand. Damn. Gotta find another job, or any part time soon..


back from hiatus?

so there’s a lot going on right now, actually most of those are just happening inside my head and I just kind of lost the will to write something nice.

perhaps, the monotony of my homebased work is killing me or perhaps, I just don’t have it anymore, the drive to write something, well I’m not a writer in the first place and the reason I created this blog is to rant and stuff hahaha

and yeah, my boss is going to give me additional tasks and I’m past 6 months to this job and I’d like a salary raise which is next to impossible I think because I learned that my boss is a little stingy. I send him an email asking if those additional tasks comes with an increase and me passing the 6 months probation makes me eligible for an increase. did not receive a reply perhaps later today he’ll call and politely decline my request for a raise. so much for pessimism.

I just realised I haven’t doodled in a long time, I also haven’t updated my other site, so much to my disappointment coz I remember I told myself I’ll keep it updated as much as possible, have to find something motivating inside of me.

will have to sign out now because it’s already my lunch break..