paru-paro


pagkatapos kong pagalingin ang ego kong sugatan sa recent rejection sa isang job application, sumabak na naman ako sa oplan hanap trabaho.

sa totoo lang hindi ko na din sigurado kung anong trabaho ung gusto kong patusin, sabi nga nung isa kong kaibigan ko magulo daw ako, sabi ko naman edi kayo na may direksyon sa buhay. hahaha. gusto kong subukan magtrabaho sa ospital pero yung huling tumawag sakin eh parang joke time ung salary offer, kahit ata sarili ko hindi ko mabubuhay sa ganung sweldo. Yung isang sikat naman na ospital, aba inimbitahan ako sa exam at interview eh anak ng tokwa, pagkatapos mo pala ipasa yung mga yun magbabayad ka muna ng 10 libo para sa training at depende sa performance mo kung iaabsorb ka nila. Edi wow. so saan ba pupunta ang isang katulong ng doktor na ex-ofw para maghanap ng trabahong pwedeng makabuhay ng pamilya kahit papaano , edi ang in na in na trabaho sa Pinas, call center. Bow.

Galing na kong callcenter bago pa ko nangibang bayan, pero nung panahon na un hindi pa naman ganun kagrabe ung Application process. Ngayon halimaw, natatandaan ko nun, petiks mode naman ung application at recruitment process namin nun. Hassle free at walang stress. Eh yung pinakarecent na inaplayan ko eh one day application daw eh nak ng pusa ung lalamunan ko sumakit ng husto. May initial interview tapos computer exam tapos phone interview (hati pa sa dalawa yan) tapos Versant (yung computer generated ek ek na nagggauge sa Communication skills mo daw) tapos typing test, tapos phone interview ulit tapos final interview (na parang lahat ng tanong sa isang interview naitanong na niya at lahat ng pwedeng scenario sa trabaho na naexperience mo ay gusto niyang ipakwento. Anyways siguro may swerte, naipasa ko naman lahat. Pero nakakahaggard na tunay.

Nung lumabas ako ng Company building para maglunch,may paru-paro na dumapo sa daliri at kahit anung gawin ko ayaw umalis. Ayun naisipan kong piktyuran.

img1464275496419.jpg

sabi nila, ang mga paru-paro ay mga mahal mo sa buhay na pumanaw at muling dumadalaw. parang ang creepy pero nakakatuwa din isipin.

naisip ko, parang ako yung paru-paro, palipad-lipad, palipat-lipat. mula Pinas nagpunta ng disyerto tapos balik sa lupang sinilangan. naisip ko bigla, sana dumating yung panahon na may iisang bulaklak lang akong tutuntungan.

dahil mas marami pang mahalagang bagay kesa pag-eemote


Habang nakahiga ako katabi ng anak kong payapang natutulog na may konting paghihilik on the side, iniisip ko kung saan ako nagkamali sa pagsagot sa interview at exam ko kahapon sa isang kumpanya. andaming tanong bigla sa utak ko. bakit kaya hindi pa sila nagtetext. zero ba ko sa exam? hindi nila feel ang aura ko? pati ba naman sa non-voice bokya ako? hanggang mapunta sa saan ba ko nagkamali ng desisyon sa buhay at struggling pa din ako? nakakaguilty bigla na nag-anak ako pero hindi ko pa siya kayang bigyan ng magandang buhay na tutugma sa ideal na magandang buhay sa isip ko.

hanggang sa naalala ko hindi ko pa pala napaplantsa yung damit ng baby ko na nilabhan ni daddylabs. 

tapos may narinig ako sa isip ko na nagsabing “Cut! OA na!”

oo na, eto na nga, magpaplantsa na.

namimiss kita


dear fresh-grad me,

It’s been a while. Hindi na siguro tayo magkikita. Baka sa panaginip na lang. Nakakamiss ka naman. Nakakamiss yung positive outlook mo sa kinabukasan. Yung kainosentehan mo sa real world after graduation. Yung curiosity mo sa mga bagay na hindi mo pa napagdaanan at naranasan. Gaano na ba katagal?walong taon na ba?magsisiyam?halos isang dekada na pala. Kung magkikita kaya tayo ngayon anong sasabihin mo sakin?matutuwa ka kaya?

alam mo nakapag-abroad tayo. may nadagdag sa kakaonting kaibigan na meron tayo. tapos nagkapamilya din tayo sa edad na 27 gaya ng plano mo nun. kung tatanungin mo ako kung natagpuan ko na ang forever, hindi ako sigurado. pero gusto kong malaman mo na matapos ang ilang taon naming magkasintahan at isang taon mahigit na mag-asawa, yung paru-paro sa sikmura, andun pa din. gusto ko yung idea ng forever pero masyadong too good to be true yun. wala namang nabubuhay forever. kapag umabot kami sa puntong puti na ang buhok at nagmamahalan pa din, susulatan kita ulit at sasabihin kong eto na nga ata yun. 

oo nga pala, nagka-anak ka sa edad na 28. ang cute cute ng anak mo. ayan hindi ka tatandang-dalaga gaya ng hula mo. hindi mo na kailangang magimagine kung magiging kamukha mo ang anak mo if ever kasi nakikita mo siya araw-araw na unti-unting lumalaki.

ay oo nga pala hindi ka pa din milyonaryo. wala ka pang bahay at lupa, walang investment at walang savings (paubos na eh). Oo. Magttrenta ka na pero struggling ka pa din.  Sorry ha. Hindi tayo sinuwerte sa trabaho eh at sorry kasi hindi ako ganun kawais sa pera. Nakalimutan ko na isa sa listahan mo nun ay ang magkaroon ng sariling bahay at lupa bago magasawa. Pero wag kang mag-alala, nakalibot naman tayo sa Pinas kahit paano. Hindi lang kasi talaga kinaya ng sweldo ko na makabili ng bahay at lupa kasabay ng paglalagalag natin nun eh. Pero hayaan mo naghahanap ako ng trabaho. Tiwala lang. Makakabili rin kami nun. Sa ngayon bahay at lupa sa larawan muna ha.

at oo nga pala ulit, burdado ka na, isa ka na sa mga posibleng mahatulang adik dahil lang may tattoo ka. pero wala kang pakialam kaya keri lang. Gusto mo pa ngang dagdagan eh.

oo nga pala,sa kasalukuyan isa tayong dakilang tambay. Wala kong ginagawa kundi asikasuhin ang anak natin. Hindi ko alam kung epekto ng panganganak to or yung punyemas na hormones pero nadedepress ako. Lalo na kapag dumadating yung gabi , ung pipikit na lang at matutulog biglang gising ung diwa mo. Those negative thoughts are like molds slowly eating my brain piece by piece. Alam mo kasi kahit yung mga motivational quotes na nababasa ko these past few days hindi naauplift yung espirito ko. ano bang life crisis ang tawag dito? 

anyways, bago ka magmukmok at madepress nang slight, hindi ka naman minalas sa buhay mo. Madaming taong nagmamahal ang nakapaligid sayo, madaming opportunities ang inilatag sayo, madaming exciting adventures ding sinagupa ka at eto buhay pa tayo. siguro, kung babalikan kita ngayon, gusto kong hiramin ulit ung mata mo, para fresh ulit ang pagtingin ko sa mundo. kasi kahit naman cynical tayo since time immemorial, there’s something pristine about you, something I’ve lost along the way. virginity ba ito?

anyhow, kung babalikan kita at tatanungin mo kong bigla kung kumusta ang pagiging ina, ahmm nagsisimula pa lang ang laban, sasabihin ko sayo kapag alam ko na ang sagot. ay may naisip ako, kumusta ang pagiging ina? KOMBI! kumbinasyon ng pinaghalo-halong pakiramdam.

Kung babalikan kita at itatanong mo what is love, sasabihin ko sayo go experience it yourself. masyadong kumplikado ang love para isagot sa tanong na “ano”.

kung itatanong mo sakin kung kumusta ang buhay may-asawa, masaya pero hindi laging malungkot. masarap sa pakiramdam na may pakners ka sa pagharap sa bawat umagang gumigising sayo. hindi ko maipaliwanag pero may mainit na pakiramdam sa katotohanang may kashare ka sa saya, sa hirap, sa lungkot, sa wala lang. bago bumerde yang utak mo, yung mainit na pakiramdam na sinasabi ko, hindi libog lang. wala pa akong naiisip na pinakamagandang terminong babagay sa ganung pakiramdam. kapag nalaman ko na sasabihin ko sayo.

andami kong sinabi na out of context sa pagkamiss ko sayo noh? hmm pero kung babalikan kita ngayon, makikilala mo kaya ako?

jetsetter, not!


yung nakakastress na byahe papuntang disyerto at pabalik ng bayang sinilangan sa loob nga tatlong araw lang. para kong batang tinakam sa kendi pero hindi naman nabigyan.

kung meron man akong napatunayan, yun ay mahal talaga ko nila ate tzie at kuya benjie hehehe (salamat sa pagdamay at pagpatay nyo sa mga umapi sakin sa isip nyo hahaha)

napatunayan ko din ang bayanihang Pilipino, salamat sa mga katrabaho kong nagbigay ng regalo sa saglit kong pagbisita sa disyerto.

DSC_1154

p.s. ayoko nang umulit.

p.s. ulit. hindi na talaga. lintik lang ang walang ganti.

p.s. ulit. matitikman nila ang batas ng isang api. (insert evil laugh 😈)

p.s ulit (last na) bukas luluhod ang mga tala. 

 

tattooed and proud


may kasabihan na pagnanganak ka at nagkaroon ka ng stretchmarks, “you’re a tiger who earned her stripes.” o sige salamat pampalubag loob din yun, pero hindi naman ako tigre. saka ung baby tiger nga pinanganak na may stripes tapos nanganak lang ako sasabihin nang I earned my stripes, sus. okay, so much for my cynicism.

mas maganda siguro kung sasabihing, you got tattooed. a proof that you’re body is an instrument to a miracle. etchos. pero seriously, hindi ako nagagandahan sa stretchmarks ko no matter how many people romanticized about having them. edi sana hindi mabenta yung bio oil at cocoa butter sa market. hindi ako nagagandahan but it doesn’t mean I am ashamed of them. parang mga peklat at tattoo ko, they are meant to tell stories. if you’re not interested, wag mong tingnan.

anyways, I got tattooed long back and I’m planning to get another soon! (lakas maka-segue!) hahaha pag may budget na at may time, I actually wanted to put a tattoo on top of my tummy stretchmarks but I read online that it would hurt more than it should and it might not look good because it’s distended skin. baka sa legs na lang siguro or sa likod ulit.😈 gusto ko ng handprint or footprint ng anak ko.

img1458913456293

charan! andami kong sinabi pero actually gusto ko lang talaga ng dahilan para maipost ulit tong piktyur ko na to. Hahahaha this was taken a few pounds ago. (excuse me for my malantod na pose) I know that not all of the people on this planet are excited at getting inked but sabi nga nila kanya-kanyang trip yan (so please don’t give me bullcrap reasons why I should not get another tattoo) parang sa pagbubuntis at panganganak, madami ang may gusto meron ding ayaw. kanya-kanyang disposisyon at pananaw.

P.S

I was contemplating whether to put a picture of my pregnancy stretchmarks but I decided to keep my stripes to myself. Maybe if I’m wearing a two-piece and decided to show them off to the word, I’d post them one day for sure, hahahaha 😈

metamorphosis


my little one’s a month old now! I’m telling you guys she’s got a bit of a temper but she’s adorable nonetheless.

img1458517414007

(start from upper left) inaantok. ginulo. nagising ang diwa, badtrip men! nagalit! Wahahaha

Time flies really fast! It was just yesterday that I’m feeling her kicks in my tummy and now she’s kicking me for real with matching eye rolling. I don’t know where she got her maldita tendencies though. hahahaha

Oh, my baby girl can sometimes be as princess-like if she would like to be but that would be when she’s peacefully sleeping 😴.

img1458517114683

our baby is now a little lady

I haven’t slept soundly for a longtime now but who am I to complain when just one smile of my little one makes it all worthwhile? (I’m definitely baby-whipped!hahaha)

sophia hiccups


Hic. Hic. Hic. Said my little one almost everytime after feeding and burping here. Curious that I was, I asked my mom about this and she said “ganyan talaga, nagpapalaki ang anak mo.” which translates to “it’s normal”.

I can’t stop thinking about my hiccupping baby so I decided to google it. I learned that hiccups are contraction of diaphragm after sudden stimulation of the muscle. It was told that it’s normal for newborn and babies under a year old. I even read that even in utero, babies hiccups (I don’t how does that happen though). Unfortunately, you can’t do much about it but the good thing is, they go away really soon (so patience is indeed a virtue😉)

Hic. Hic. Hic. There goes my Sophia hiccupping. Again.

 

random conversation & shit


okay. title pa lang punong-puno na nang laman.

jebs?

pwede!

ooopppps!pasintabi sa kumakain!

*****

Dr. G. : “is there anything else more important to you than work and money?

aubu: “uhm faith?”

Dr. G. : “you’re stupid, you know that?”

aubu: “okay. can I go now, Doc?”

Dr. G. : “yala!” (arabic term for “go”)

when I asked for an early time out because I had to attend a church duty. our conversation last 5 minutes or so but I decided to cut the rest because it includes a cut on my salary, bargaining and all. blah blah. boring and nonsense.

*****

your daily horoscope. walang bago maliban sa baboy at tsismis. still, may makakasama ka pa ding dwendeng manggagamot. tumingin sa dinadaanan baka madapa.

– an sms sent from our clinic phone courtesy of Kylie, our kabayan male receptionist. clap!clap!clap! a big hand for his ingenious mind. I almost thought I was uber late because it’s a rarity that I get an sms from our phone. ( lagot ka pag nalaman ng mga amo kung san mo ginagamit ang load ng mga cellphone sa clinic!hahaha)

*****

jerabeck: “hindi ako masaya dito. gusto ko nang umuwi.

aubu: “nagtatrabaho ka sa banyagang lupain tapos malayo ka sa pamilya mo. pag-uwi mo ng bahay wala ka pang pagkain. tapos maglalaba ka pa ng uniform. tapos magpapahinga at matutulog ka tapos bukas ganun ulit. sa tingin mo lahat ng tao dito masaya?”

jerabeck: “hindi. pero at least yung iba hindi pareho ng buhay natin.”

aubu: “ganun talaga. kanya-kanyang swerte lang. malay mo bukas malas ka pa din. anung ulam mo mamaya?”

jerabeck: “ikaw na!”

jentot: “wag mo ngang pinagkakakausap yang si aubz at gagaguhin ka lang nyan.”

usapang bomalabas nung isang araw sa panahong petiks mode sa clinic.

*****

aubu: “anung meron?”

ate jerly: “himala!”

kylie: “may cake na bigay sila Doc! tigi-tigisa tayo!”

jerabeck: “baka inorasyunan yan!”

aubu: “pagkain pa din yan. lamang tyan. ay Diwali festival pala nila. ngayong araw ba un or bukas?”

imee: “ay uu nga, last year, sweets galing sa bansa nila ung binigay nila amo eh.”

aubu: “mas gusto ko yung last year.”

ate margie at ate cecil: “katabi lang namin ang capricorn, kaya naming bumili ng cake dun.”

kylie: “at least ito libre!hahaha”

usapan ng mga kabayan staff sa clinic nang binigyan kami ng tig-iisang box ng cake para sa Diwali Festival ng mga amo namin.

the proposal


16/8/13  11 o’clock pm

– tonight is one of the best nights of my life. bakit? kasi this is the night the love of my life (ayiie) proposed to me. What was supposedly a birthday party at the hotel turns out to be a proposal at a cafe by the beach.

I was like super haggard because I just got off from work when my KB dabarkads/future sister-in-law (ahem) texted me that we’ll go to a birthday party. Her exact message were “Aubu, Maida to. Alis tayo, punta taung birthday party sa hotel. Suot ka ng medyo formal ha. Derecho ka sa bahay. Hintayin kita. Nauna na sila doon eh. Sowsyal, maexperience ntn”. I actually wasn’t in the mood to attend a party but knowing that maida would leave the desert soon, I decided to go and prepare as soon as I reach our flat. As ate Tzie says before, we should spend more time together and bond as much as we can while we still can.

While on my way to their house, Maida called and told me to head straight to RAK wedding hall because she went there already. I arrived at the back of the wedding hall a few minutes to 11 o’clock. I saw so much locals  wearing conduras but no sign of Maida. I called her to ask if I’m in the right place then she told me that the place is actually opposite of the wedding hall which is the Costa Cafe. I checked out the place from afar since I can’t cross the streets yet and started wondering how come there were no signs of any happenings there. When I reach the place, I then saw kuya Benjie, ate Tzie and Dart in their usual comfy outfit. I was like, wow mali ba ito? bat ako lang nakadress? but nonetheless, I kept my composure, approached them and asked where is Maida and Ake (silently hoping that Maida would show up any minute wearing the same get up as mine) I remember kuya Benjie commenting “mainit ba?buti hindi ka pinagswimsuit ni Maida?” before telling me where they were to which I replied with a poker face because I don’t know what is going on. I started walking towards Maida and Ake, pointed specifically to what Maida was wearing (and guess what, she’s sporting her infamous style, shirts and jeans then slippers much to my dismay) I noticed that she’s taking a video of me as I walk towards them.  I turned my attention to Ake and there he was;silently sitting on the bench holding a long stemmed-rose which he gave me as soon as I stand next to him and gave me 3 yellow print paper. 3 words were there. One is “Will you marry me?”, next was “of course” and last was “yes”. I was so dumbfounded that I jokingly asked “ba’t walang no?” to which he replied “ayaw mo ata eh” but then I snatched the paper that says “of course”. He knelt down on one knee and offered me the box containing a golden ring, I felt a surge of butterflies in my stomach and the first words that I blurted was “anung gagawin ko?” I remember laughing like crazy because I don’t exactly know how to react. I mean, it’s not everyday that you get to have a marriage proposal isn’t it?and from a guy you love? aughhhh. I still can’t get over it. I’m officially engaged dude. I badly wanted to scream but they might think I’ve lost my sanity. Imagine me suppressing my kilig and smiling from ear to ear as I’m typing this entry on my phone. Waahh!kilig to the bones. Para kong gago. Always the late reaction.

After my labiduds’ proposal, Maida took some photos. While walking back to the cafe, she asked if I already had an idea about tonight to which I honestly answered that I have no idea at all. She has her doubts though. (ewan ko ba kung bakit feeling nya may alam ako eh wala naman talaga, pramis, mamatay man ako) Had I known about the proposal, I would have definitely put an effort to look pretty. Put a little make-up at least. But nil, I had none so I entered the battle with an oily face! (Heck, you could even fry an egg using that much oil in my face) I didn’t even combed my hair! darn it. aughh. but not that it matters. my labiduds doesn’t seem to mind. Amidst the disheveled hair, oily face, maton-like lakad, in the end, I’m still the one wearing the engagement ring. I’m so happy I could die anytime. (seriously, is this really me talking?)

Anyways, I saw that Maida already uploaded the video of the proposal in kuya Benj’s DartBench Photography page.

I have played the video a countless times today just to check if this were all a dream but it’s not. I’m wearing the ring as a hard core evidence!(insert uber smiling face here). This is by far, the most wonderful advance birthday present ever. Thank you God for giving me a wonderful guy for a fiancee. Thank you kuya Benjie. Thank you ate Tzie. Thank you Dart. Thank you Maida. Thank you bhe. I couldn’t thank you all enough. I just feel very blessed and loved.

ciao.