when patience is no longer my virtue


I am freaking tired of my everyday routine recently. My only motivation to log in early at work is the fact that if I do so, I’ll be able to go home early. I can see a blazing red alert sign in my mind telling to me quit. Unfortunately, aside from the unreasonable reason of me being tired, I can’t think of a good motive that would count for me to start writing a rational resignation letter. I’m still out of luck when it comes to job applications abroad. Being an on-call nurse isn’t that much fulfilling and as for being a nurse-volunteer, I’m not quite sure if I could endure working without a salary to look forward to every 15th and 30th of the month. I’m very much independent from my parents and asking them for money would equate to trampling my pride and throwing it in the garbage bin. In addition to that, my elder sister who was separated from her good-for-nothing husband needs a hand in supporting her kids. And upon thinking of submitting a resignation letter, my brain automatically starts reciting my favourite poem “You mustn’t quit”.

I miss the good ole days when everything is just a white bull after graduation. You could exhaust yourself from grandeur planning of what will become of you nth year from where you currently are. Brave young hearts, high hopes and big dreams. That is how I would describe my posse and I back then. More than three years have passed since that white bull of mine becomes what seems like some sort of graffiato. And it still is.

At times, I caught myself thinking there’s got to be more to life than this. I mean, we didn’t work our asses off spending 6 years in grade school, 4 years in high school and 4 years in college just to witness our life going ahead of us. Can’t we all do something which we could enjoy doing and being rewarded with a hefty monetary value at the same time? I badly wanted a job like that. I would gladly exchange my prized anime card collections for a career like that. You bet I will.

My eldest sister said that sometimes in life, you just can’t have what you want when you want it but it doesn’t mean you can never have it. She added that everything takes place at the right time. Maybe it’s not No but it’s just Not now. Her advice is quite familiar though. I think I received a forwarded text message with the same context. But my question is, if not now, when?

I got to find my raison d’être ASAP or else I’ll go mad.

p.s.

I need something tangible.

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