when you had to deal with fears you never had


kahapon napanuod ko sa tv na ibinalita ung MOMO challenge kung saan nililink ung pagkamatay nung batang uminom ng 21 tabs of anti-gout. tapos nagbrowse ako sa fb at nakita ko na naman un. may nakita din akong post ng isang mom wherein while her daughter was watching Peppa Pig in Youtube kids, there was a sudden clip that was shown that gives step by step instruction on how to slice one’s wrist.

Ayun, kinilabutan ako ng bongga at nag-alala ng husto para kina Piatot at Bastelog ko. Jusme, anung klaseng mga tao naman ung gumagawa ng ganun. Bakit mga bata pa ung tinatarget nila.

Kakapanuod ko lang din ng babiesforsaleph ni Atom Araullo nung isang araw at sobra din akong naapektuhan. May mga batang ilang araw pa lang binebenta na ng magulang online tapos meron din nagnanakaw pa ng anak ng iba. Tapos meron pa na nangunguha ng bata para kuhaan ng internal organs. Jusmelord, iniisip ko pa lang gawin nila un sa anak ko, napapraning na ako na nababaliw na mamamatay.

dahil sa mga nababasa at napapanuod ko sa tv at online, parang gusto kong ibalik sa tyan ko ung dalawa kong junakis para lagi ko lang silang kasama. parang pwede naman un…hahaha

sabi ko sa nag-aalaga ng anak ko, oras na mangyari ung ganun sakin, (jusme ni sa panaginip wag naman) gagamitin ko lahat ng resources ko para huntingin ung gumawa ng game at pipira-pirasuhin ko sila, pag naman ung mga nangunguha ng bagets para ibenta or kuhanan ng organs, papahirapan ko sila ng husto hanggang sa iwish nila na sana hindi na lang sila pinanganak sa mundong ibabaw.

grabe. matagal ko nang alam na mahirap na maging nanay pero iba pa din pala pag ikaw na nakakaexperience, ganito pala na sobrang nakakapraning.

iniisip ko si mama. gaano kaya kahirap sa kanya na sobrang independent ako nun simula elem gang grumadweyt para pakawalan ako at hayaan akong gawin ang mga gusto ko ng mag-isa.

ako kaya pano ko un gagawin sa mga anak ko, hahaha

grabe. my thoughts are running wild at this wee hours of the night…

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I just had to write this down..


I was about to edit my online resume when my husband called my attention to check out my ex-coworker new facebook post and voila, the dental clinic in the UAE I used to work at has changed into a state-of-the-art medical facility and is now being called a medical center. They even got uniforms with the facility’s name on it. Something we used to daydream about back when we were still scrubbing floors and windows of the cheap old building our doctors back then used to rent. To be honest, I was a little envious because that has always been my dream before, wearing a uniform that boasts the medical facility where I work. (petty, right?) When I saw the grand building where my old colleagues are standing with their faces lit, I started thinking, what if I didn’t quit and what if I came back during that time (that time when I’m supposed to go back to the UAE but did not because I don’t want to leave my Piatot behind and also, I had a very bad experience with them when I came back after my delivery so I swear I won’t come back ever) so yeah, after some thinking, I realized, I’m never coming back even if they offered me a job. I wouldn’t want to leave my kids behind and of course, it wouldn’t be the same. I’m not the same person as I was before so I’m not sure if I still have the tolerance to play their games. Anyway, I’m not even sure if I would ever wear a nursing uniform again. I just like the idea. I don’t know. I’m not even sure what’s gonna happen to me next. Just wanted to enjoy the time I have with my kids and husband. Okay. I’m still a little envious.  I’ll just think of something else. peace out.

New beginnings


One week has already passed since 2018. It’s been a very hectic and busy week for me. For one, I haven’t finished my Upwork freelance job which is supposedly good for a week only. Next is, I submitted lots of online applications and have scheduled interviews here and there (I even have an upcoming interview next Wednesday, good luck to me) also, interviews comes with tryouts so I have a long list of stuff to be done.  Unfortunately, I haven’t landed any permanent online job yet aside from my online tutorial. I’m still doing my ESL online tutorial and fortunately, almost all of my opened slots are booked.

Oh, I also submitted my resignation on my previous job which my TL didn’t take lightly because she guaranteed to the big bosses that I’d come back when I asked for a maternity leave extension so another bad record for me. I actually like my previous job minus the commuting part which takes ages, but, unfortunately, no one will be able to look after my 4-month-old baby because he has the tendency to cry non-stop at night and no one can soothe him except me (they tried but failed) so I have no option but to quit my job) My TL offered another ML extension because I reasoned for medical issues but I’m still undecided because I’m not sure what will be our plan for the future. I also don’t want to make promises I can’t keep and also wouldn’t want to put the company in jeopardy. I actually feel very guilty because my team’s performance would also be affected because I’m leaving, also, I had a good record before I went on leave but my kids come first.

decide

Anyhow, I’ll be texting my TL about my decision and I’m sure I’ll be scolded again because I am informing late again but que sera sera. I’m not a very good decision maker but they say bad decisions make good stories, don’t they?

I just have to trust that there is something good in every goodbye…

trust the magic of new beginnings

feeling appreciated


Even in the slightest, I haven’t dreamt to be a teacher nor a tutor. I may look like I’m very patient but I’m not. I don’t have the heart to tolerate people. (perhaps that’s the reason I only have few friends, hahaha) This is exactly the reason I’m surprised that I am teaching now. (Siguro ganun talaga pag kapit sa patalim, sabi nga nila beggars can’t be choosers so kahit hindi ko linya pinatulan ko gaya ng pagtuturo hahaha).

Every time I finished all my booked classes, I always feel exhausted because I have to pretend I’m upbeat, friendly and all that it takes to be a good teacher but last night was different. I ended my class with a genuine smile on my face all because of what my student said.

Usually, before I end my lesson, I will ask some questions to verify if they did understand what I have taught them. Also, I will ask if they have questions for me or if they have any comments and I am used to getting “No questions or nothing” answers. However, when I asked my student named “Lily”, she answered “Yes” so although it’s past 25 minutes, I decided to extend a few minutes more to accommodate her.

Our convo goes like this:

Me: Do you have any questions for me, Lily?

Lily: Yes, teacher. Thank you. You are hard.

Me: (I was like uhm, okay,) Hard? Do you mean to say I’m a little strict on how I teach my lessons?

Lily: No teacher. (talks in Chinese looks like she was thinking about words to express herself clearly)

Me: Or do you mean to say that our lesson for today is hard?

Lily: No teacher. (talks to herself in Chinese again)

Me: Could you type your sentence in the chat box? You could also do it in Chinese and then I’ll just translate it.

So she did. She typed the word “Hard” again and only then that I realized that she was trying to thank me for working hard to teach her English.

ACL_Lily_122817_thankful

Lily was my last class so I’m already wasted then but when she said thank you for all the hard work, it was like all my frustrations in my previous classes were dissolved in an instant. (Siguro ganito ung nararamdaman ng mga teachers everytime naaappreciate sila ng mga estudyante. Ngayon ko lang narealize lalo na hindi biro ang pagtuturo) If I had known then, I would have said millions of thanks to all my teachers.

Anyhow, alam kong madami pa kong kakaining bigas, I’m not even sure if I could continue doing this ESL tutoring thing but this is definitely one of the highlights in my ESL tutor sideline. Something that I’ll never forget (hoping I won’t)

just feeling shitty


When it feels like surgery
And it burns like third degree
And you wonder what is it worth?
When your insides breaking in
And you feel that ache again
And you wonder
What’s giving birth?

saw this song in the latest blog post of someone I follow and just have the need to post it.

patience. I need patience.

p.s.

napahugot lang dahil sa isang kababawan. kailangan ko po ng madaming pasensya dahil malapit na kong makapanakit ng nag-aalaga sa junakis ko. at alam kong mahirap maghanap sa panahon ngayon. kaya kailangan ko talaga ng pasensya. san ba makakabili ng pasensya saka ng neutral na boses para kahit apaw na ung inis ko monotone pa din ako magsalita. magiistock na ako.

here I go again


I’ve been applying here and there for home-based jobs. Some have contacted me and I have yet to finish filling in the exams and information that they wanted. (either I have my hands full or I’m free but doesn’t have the appetite to do productive stuffs)

It’s been more than a month since I gave birth to my second baby and I’m feeling extremely down again. I browsed my old post few months after I have given birth to my first-born and I noticed that my posts were somewhere along the line of sadness and nothingness. I’m not sure if this is somewhat related to post-partum depression or  maybe it is, but one thing I know, this feeling sucks.

maybe I’m just exhausted from lack of sleep. but I rarely do any household chores here so I don’t really know.

sad

I browsed my old photos in facebook and instagram and there’s this picture that I  look radiant (but I definitely remember that I’m extremely sad that time). Guess it’s really true, picture doesn’t do justice to what you really feel inside. Don’t we all wear masks from time to time?

I’m just. I don’t know. Maybe sick of my current self. Hope I’ll feel better soon.

ganito ata talaga kapag tumatanda


Dati laging manga at kung anu-anong fictional novels, stories whatsoever ang bet kong basahin pero ngayon hindi na masyado (pero syempre ibang usapan pag yung mga sinusubaybayan ko talaga)

Anyways, I’m currently obsessed on reading financial independence. Naisip ko sana noon pa ko naadik sa pagbabasa tungkol dun edi sana may nasimulan na ako. Sa sobrang dami kong gustong gawin natuturete ung utak ko hahaha. Andaming what ifs bigla, could have, should have, would have eklavu.

Isa sa websites na kasalukuyan kong binabasa at ung http://www.thinkpesos.com saka ung imoney.ph at as sobrang daming ideas nila lahat yun gusto kong gawin. Haha mula sa savings, investing ek ek. Sana masimulan hahahaha cross fingers. Pero sabi nga dun aral muna bago invest. Andami ko pang dapat matutunan young tipong so much to do so little time and energy, minus the fact that I’m preggy, may isa pang clingy human being na panganay ko na dapat asikasuhin. Andaming plano. Iniiisip ko pa lang hagardo verzosa na.

Ayun. Anung oras na pala, isang araw na naman any lilipas sa maternity leave ko hahaha makatulog na nga.

choose life


I still get depressed sometimes just like before.

It gets unbearable the more I think about it. The more you wallow up, the more it eats you.

I feel you. We might have been born under different circumstances but the struggles of fighting your own demons is something I know very well. I feel every words every lines from your music because it was one of those that saved me from myself when I was breaking on the inside.

I still get depressed sometimes. Living is a struggle most of the time but somewhere along my journey, I’ve heard that we must always choose life. Dying is such a finality that even though during my times of despair, it felt so big that lifting a finger to put an end to my darkest makes me very scared.
I feel sad that you’re gone because I was just listening to your music the other day reminiscing what was once was.

I still get depressed sometimes and I don’t think anything could make it stop. We, after all, are a bunch of   Homo sapiens composed of different genes, hormones, neurotransmitters etcetera that makes us what we are. A bunch full of emotions.

I still get depressed sometimes but I am hoping I’ll not make the same choice you made in this lifetime.

#ripchesterbennington

how?


So our company had our year end party last Sunday and I wasn’t able to attend just because I feel lazy. And I would pretty much prefer playing with Piatot than socializing with some party people 3/4 of whom I don’t know personally.

It was my first day at work last night coming from a 3 days off and I was bombarded by my officemates how I missed half of my life just because I wasn’t able to attend the party.

So I said in tagalog “paano ko mamimiss yung kalahati nung buhay ko eh yung buhay ko katabi kong natulog nung linggo?”

And then the bombardment suddenly came into a halt 😸😈